Unqualified Astrology and Your Latest Starbucks Obsession

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not reflect the views of Her Campus.

As a campus guide here at the University of Washington, I’m not going to lie: I want to be a comedian. Talking about the Suzzallo Graduate Library, but more specifically, the Starbucks line really gets those ears pricked on my tour. I might add to my story that Suzzallo “is also home to the world’s longest Starbucks line.” And while that may not be statistically true, it certainly feels that way (and this joke makes people laugh, boost my ego and their touring experience, win-win). However, any UW student has to waste their afternoon waiting for their drink in this line. It’s simply a must: Suzzallo’s Starbucks has beautiful Gothic architecture similar to that of the Historic Library, as well as great music, fun student baristas, comfortable seating, and mood lighting.

I don’t know much about astrology, and I don’t believe it, but I thought it would be fun to compile a list of each sun sign and which drink they are likely to get based on my personal experience. Have fun, and you might find a drink to order next time you go to Starbucks.

Ram: Cold brew coffee with 2 pumps of mocha sauce, 4 pumps of peppermint syrup and a dash of almond milk. As your resident Aries, who most likely became your boss in 8th grade, I believe this is the most girly drink you can get at Starbucks. The peppermint syrup brings the warm feelings of the holiday season any time of the year, and the sheer caffeine brings out the adventurous and daring nature of the Aries. However, if the 2 extra pumps of mocha sauce take too long, the impatient Aries routine will go haywire for the rest of the day. Proceed carefully.

Taurus: Dirty chai latte with oat milk. Taurus individuals are earthy and unique, a bit like this combination of coffee and tea. Perfect for the Taurus who likes to take long walks in the morning with his mind and can think about how delicious the hot drink is in his hand. They have good taste in almost every aspect of their lives, and their favorite coffee is no exception. A touch of cinnamon spice on top would also be a lovely extra treat. And maybe a scone, or just whatever pastry you like.

Gemini: Strawberry acai refresher with lemonade, probably a venti. Geminis are usually flexible, but not when it comes to their favorite drink that they’ve been getting every afternoon since high school. Those with Gemini as their astrological sun will charm everyone at that Starbucks while they wait for their order, and somehow end up with a whole new network of friends before they leave the store.

Cancer: Frozen mocha with whole milk, but they asked for soy milk because of lactose intolerance. The Cancer, however, wouldn’t ask the barista to make the drink as that would cause too much trouble, so they complain to their friend instead. This mocha is a subtle hint of coffee, subtle hint of chocolate, clear overload of ice cream. Perfect for cancer patients who need the caffeine to continue their moodiness, but without the taste of coffee.

Leo: None – a Leo would ask the cashier to make their favorite drink because this zodiac sign likes to be the center of attention. In particular, two of my best friends from different points in my life are both Leos, and every time I go to Starbucks with one of them, they each have the barista prepare a random drink. This fuels their spontaneity and sense of adventure, and makes it clear to everyone else in line that they are indeed special. Stubborn, pretentious and an ounce of self-centeredness, the Leo needs the thrills to make their days seem worthwhile.

Virgo: Pumpkin spice latte, extra shot. Pumpkin is perfect for these late August, early September babies as the season transitions into fall. This drink has such a warm feeling; the latte is almost indulgent, like the Virgo. PSLs often cause a lot of controversy on social media, but there isn’t a single Virgo who hasn’t had their own share of controversy as well. And Virgos are notorious for their stomach issues — perhaps asking for non-dairy milk to avoid complications later in the day?

Libra: Vanilla latte with oat milk. This hot drink is a real charmer, just like the Libra. The most delectable and intellectual Starbucks order I could think of would be the perfect weekday afternoon to buy it at the Suzzallo Starbucks and continue studying in the Harry Potter reading room. Warm and cozy, and a great choice if you’re indecisive like every Libra in my life. All in all, a great option if you want to feel sophisticated.

Scorpio: Matcha latte with two pumps of chai and a splash of almond milk. Mysterious and non-conformist, the Scorpio wants to be different. The combination of chai and matcha brings out their down-to-earth nature, but somehow gives a powerful boost of energy once they’ve finished the drink. Depending on the season, this is best served with a coffee cake or pumpkin bread. Try it hot or with ice, but don’t share this drink – like everything else, the Scorpio likes to keep an eye on it.

Sagittarius: Java chip frappuccino. This frappuccino is coffee – but it’s a useless drink. The Sagittarius would buy an overpriced drink to show off their unique choice with too much confidence. They would also judge you for your drink, and you would definitely hear about it. To top it off, these individuals would be given the extra-long straw to fuel their superiority complex. Bonus points if the Sagittarius is a straight guy who adds protein powder to his java chip frappuccino. Not witnessed first hand at all.

Capricorn: Any decaffeinated drink. The Capricorn goes to Starbucks for the aesthetic of going to Starbucks. These people are in their rut 24/7 and sensible, they need a little treat to lift their spirits for another long day at work. Capricorns have a routine — they’ll be promptly decaf out the door of their local chain at 8:07 AM after, of course, saying hello to the loyal regulars. This is also their only social interaction for the day.

Aquarius: Passion fruit iced tea with honey. Every Aquarius in my life is emotionally detached from others, and I think the extra honey would encourage them to pursue the art of listening. This iced tea is a bit of an obscure choice, especially during the colder seasons. However, it’s the deluxe version of drinking a juice box during elementary school break. I think the innate childish tendencies and sheer optimism of the Aquarius go well with the passion fruit iced tea.

Fish: Any frappuccino. With the utmost confidence and prejudice of the Aries, Pisces are the most problematic sign. Why, you may ask? Because they try so hard to be unproblematic that it becomes a problem. They asked for a double chocolate chip frappuccino and asked to make it with the most unconventional ingredients. The Pisces would be a little oblivious to what they are asking of the barista, but they would also be empathetic and compassionate if it takes more than 15 minutes for the drink to come out. However, all slander of Pisces is accepted here.

Regardless of your astrological sign, be sure to use this list the next time you need to order a new drink. I’ll never tire of my Aries cold brew, but sometimes I just like exploring my options. Maybe from now on I will become a Libra vanilla latte girl too?

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