Scorpio season is scary in a good way. What to expect based on your plate?

Welcome, brave souls, to Scorpio season. Being a Scorpio is a gateway drug to getting interested in astrology. ‘Seductive’, ‘intense’, ‘devilish’, ‘mysterious’ – these are all intoxicating descriptions to hear applied to yourself. Just because you were born during the Halloween season, you enter the world as the most glamorous villain of the zodiac. Almost everyone you meet longs for you to lift their chin with the point of a sword – tenderly, menacingly – and maybe even cut an aesthetically pleasing scar along one of their cheekbones before turning away to disappear into the dark of night. I’m not going to lie: it’s a fun role to embody!

Sometimes my personal instincts clash with my duties as an official Them Stologist. I’m no stranger to Scorpio’s habit of keeping secret, and the following paragraphs have proven to be my biggest test over the course of my tenure. Only professionalism (and the lifelong Scorpio practice of violently suppressing my impulses to live in a society) made this possible, and I know that fellow Scorpio can actually feel me crunch as I type these words. Today I’m betraying my own people and dispelling the riddle of the eighth sign for anyone in the zodiac who wants to know what’s going on: Scorpios are just cats in the shape of people.

That’s it, that’s the secret key to understanding Scorpio’s behavior! If you’re ever confused by a Scorpio, think about domestic cats. That equation always cracks the code. Scorpios usually choose their home: they choose a particular person for reasons of their own discernment, enter that person’s space and just never leave. Scorpios have their own mysterious schemes; they sleep for what might be considered an excessive part of the day. Scorpios demand to be showered with extravagant praise and affection as they deign to honor others with their presence… until suddenly they don’t want to be seen at all! Don’t touch them or even look at them!!! Bad person!

Like cats, Scorpios devise intricate individual rituals that urge their loved ones to repeatedly show loyalty. Scorpions get the nocturnal zoomies. Scorpios spend a lot of time staring at ghosts. Some people inexplicably don’t like Scorpios, prefer golden retrievers or something – but this disdain offers them no respite. Chilly disdain, on the contrary, delights Scorpios, who cannot help but writhe and spin aggravatingly around the ankles of their haters. Scorpios are absolutely intoxicated by anything that is arbitrarily forbidden. Scorpions knead with their claws when they are content. When a Scorpio is introduced to another Scorpio, they must sniff each other through a door before they can live together safely in the same room.

“Scorpios demand to be showered with extravagant praise and affection as they deign to honor others with their presence… until suddenly they don’t want to be seen at all!”

Scorpios are also burdened with a terrible sense of personal dignity and the reverse capacity for humiliation. When individual domestic cats witness a catastrophic feat of clumsiness, individual domestic cats react in different ways. Many will play it out with a haughty head-throw and walk away seemingly undisturbed. Others stiffen in embarrassment with round eyes before fleeing to hide on the eaves of the attic. Some very special cats are just doofuses, the kind that knock an entire china cabinet to the floor and then unknowingly stick out a paw to lick their own ass in the middle of the wreckage. There are also such Scorpios, but these human counterparts feel the mortification, believe me! It’s just that these mighty Scorpios have descended so far into the realm of self-awareness that they’ve reverted to accepting shame as a permanent state of being. In a state of constant discomfort, they bravely live their misfortunes in plain sight.

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